Can of worms

This series is called unfortunate events … My last post I brought up some uncomfortable topics. Funny how that worked out … That was THEN this is NOW & It is everywhere you turn! First I thought oh boy I know exactly what my next topic is going to be. Making someone who doesn’t get it, get IT. But I can’t do that with just one post but keep reading … So for me working in “Cooperate America” being the only minority at times & I’m not joking! I always noticed it but never understood why, never questioned it and would only point out to those close to me. Feeling completely Invisible and unheard!! But also like I had some type of power, like I had made it or something! I was different you could not classify me as a Statistic! But where did I make it to exactly ………

I was being tested mentally and emotionally and never could understand until now. I went after everything I thought I wanted. What is believed to be the Worldview we all know so well. Succeed and you will live a happy life! You know who was happy the Managers, and CEOs for ALL the back labor put into making margins and having the biggest Sales Accounts… Just itching to work my way up that ladder to feel like FINALLY accomplished the impossible. Because it felt impossible! Pushing paper – which I actually enjoy doing because well I’m an organized freak .. – But ended up twirling my fingers bored & felt so much disconnect from others and myself . I was out of my mind because I was on top of it all, that ALL being nothing absolute pointlessness! This is what people seriously make millions doing .. It’s easy money right. NO!!

I can’t get back the time I spent trying to live a life that wasn’t for me … Forcing myself day in & day out to build myself up to do the work. Don’t get me wrong I got fed up pretty quickly. I’ve taken time off looking for that “just the right fit”…. When finally the last one was the last straw! Everything I had been feeling the rage the disrespect and the inadequacy was ENOUGH! I had to ask myself all the tough questions starting from within… What was I doing , why did I keep chasing after something that is clearly NOT MEANT FOR ME. Is it me? Is there something wrong with me , who am I? I was just existing but not living. I couldn’t fully understand why I kept feeling that my life, my soul 🖤 was in complete turmoil…

Will it work for some yes, if your main goal in life is to succeed at getting high numbers I suppose. But personally I felt I did have it pretty good but still felt empty. & I’m not just talking my goals in life or didn’t have enough hobbies. I’m talking full on, life on a hamster wheel mode! A none existing soul ..

Completely oblivious to feelings outside what I only thought I should be feeling. (I mean hey I was getting money!) But not Being anything but my true, raw, unperfect BLACK self! I guess I am going to go back to race here… As a multiracial woman in America you can’t be both. You are often to chose based on how others are comfortable accepting you. Yes you fall short of yourself but you also feel your gaining so much more.( I call this the whiteway) Wrong again .. Living a life to make others comfortable is justifying it’s not okay to be different.

BUT also not feeling accepted by both parties. Too black for the white or too white for the black .. What does that even mean!? I’m almost 30 years old and still couldn’t tell you but I lived by it my entire life. So I CAVED to what the world accepted white (box) what ever that looks like I tried to be anything BUT myself ..

It’s SO hard to change and except that it is hard to CHANGE .. Too rewire your emotional thinking. The time & energy struggle of going back and forth. Work it intales is somewhat unimaginable! But it doesn’t mean it isn’t possible.

It is so needed for you and for this world . Change starts with you! With me, with anybody who decides that what was working isn’t working anymore! I’m going to keep talking until well I don’t know will the font turn blue!? haha But seriously .

Some may find themselves in things, places or even other people. For me I found me in me, but through God. My spirit, is as if I am a young girl who has a second chance at life. Without hate and fear and complete uncertainty of what I’m capable and not capable of doing. 🖤 I’m here to live and do ALL the great things I am made to do. Our walks are all different but together they become apart of the worlds story told and seen from many different views.

But it is certain that there is still Good left in all of us. Even when fear comes knocking just know the devil is a liar. To get you from being the divine woman or man your were created to be. Don’t ignore that voice anymore follow it … Listen to it & see where it will take you!

Xo, Love

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