I struggled to bring myself to write this. But here it is, my short story of who I was & what it was like to deal with my own hardships. Understanding this isn’t for everyone but it was for me. My story is still being written. But I will never regret nor forget the one that makes me, me. 💜
I grew up with parents who were addicts majority of my life. Much of my younger years are a blur but this was only by choice. Because even as an adult I couldn’t fathom how, what or why, as a child I always felt like I was scared, lonely, empty, disappointing, or have this hunger that couldn’t be met with just “food”. We all have our own perspectives on our lives. Well this is mine, I am the oldest to 3 brothers and a sister. From the earliest memory of myself just 2 years old, all I ever remember feeling as a girl and even into my early to mid 20’s there was this hunger for life. – sense of family, friendship, love, belonging, respect, purpose, meaning!
I looked for it in all the wrong places one being in men – my first “love” my first “everything” was when I was just 12 years old. “. I also turned to something my parents did not like much of, which was like a piece of me that never felt accepted. A half black girl who’s mother always seemed ashamed of being black, because the world made her feel that way. Running from and too the very thing my parents seem to hate – a black man who ” fed those hungers I had for life”. But boy was I wrong very wrong. Out of dark there came light when at just 13 yrs old found out, that the first time could lead to what I always said I never wanted especially being brought up the way I had. A child of my own.
I was forced to consider abortion but even though I was underage I still had the right to choose. AND I was hated most of my life for that choice. But SETH is 15 years young and the only thing that saved me from myself. So God knew what he was doing. Before I even knew it. Even in this very moment I can’t believe the works he was putting in. My life did improve but the motivation was all for the little boy I had to take care of and be a good mom. A mom I would have wanted and I life I would have dreamed of.
I grew up and in my early 20’s yet again I ran to a man to fill my hunger for life. && He did it! He is an awesome man & Father to our now +4 boys. But there is always a BUT, even though I was considered an adult my actions, ways, thinking and emotions. All refer back to that little girl who was craving life. I have a past of hurting people I love, manipulating my way out of my doings and so on and so forth. I wasn’t the best friend I knew I could of been, or even the best mother all the time. *Hurt people, hurt people* My selfish ways had caught up to me.
I then found out I had depression, but in spite of my parents addiction I would NOT TAKE anything. Doing anything & everything to NOT follow in their footsteps.
So .. I tried some therapy sessions, went to maybe a few and let me say IT WAS ROUGH! I was literally shaking in my boots. Dealing with yourself is HARD. Looking yourself in the mirror even harder. Trying to grasp concepts and all these new TERMS can be very overwhelming. So I did what I do best. RAN – I made the best of it of course. Took what I could take from it thinking I was healed!!
This time though it caught back up kind of fast. I found myself depressed. again & then again but I ignored it. Because I was healed I talked about some hard things, forgave my parents so on so forth. SO why is it that my life felt like I am dying like death was knocking at my door? I use this reference because it has a true meaning in my life and my journey. *I have a therapist who has helped me tremendously & still does. I personally think for myself being a mother of 5 welcoming the help from others is what makes us human. We need others whether we believe it cripples us or not. Your weaknesses are your strengths.*
Sorry back to where I left off, this time was different therapy wasn’t “enough”. I still had questions and not about myself entirely. LIFE in general , the Why’s or how’s. But no one could answer them and could make me feel some kind peace. I never questioned life overall, I mean I was a Mom how could I? I did give life to 5 boys?! I would find myself in the middle of the night mostly. ALL alone and terrified. I mean FULL BLOWN ANXIETY attacks that had everyone I loved afraid and worried for my well being. I was finally living out the “mental break down” my mother had at my age. My being, my all, my mind went to a place literally seemed like a picture of absolutely NOTHING in my mind, that I felt inside my body. It was a dark, black, empty, space completely unknown to me. IT FREAKED ME OUT! But I would always go there wondering what is this place. Why is dark and unknown. With my description I was scared to let anyone know I even thought of this, this is not normal NO ONE WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT I AM TRYING TO SAY!!
I opened myself up a lot during those times & sometimes I would get a “temporary” kind of ok feeling. But it went away after so long. So I would find myself going back to that unknown space and that is when now – right now as I write this I know HE called my name.
Ah, praise the Lord!
Before I knew this – I had a friend who asked me if I believed in God. Those exact words! I kid you not I JUST CRIED MY EYES OUT!! Not at all understanding why but just balled and felt everything hit me! *My conformations from him are small but so cosmic. I still get choked up when I talk about them.* From there I turned to the only person I felt I could be my true messy, vulnerable self with. & I mean WITH all my crazy questions and scary thoughts and moments – The friend I would have least expected to befriend! & become like a sister – my soul sista now almost half my life. SHE gave me my first bible ♥ & helped me so much along my journey. I couldn’t be more grateful for her. This takes a tribe & I have mine! & I LOVE THEM WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOUL. GOD KNEW I NEEDED THEM.
It has been a year and three months from when I decided I needed to change my life. & only about 9 since I started my journey with Jesus. This relationship has been my main priority. I tried many times to go back to life that was much easier, less complicated. More comforting. Now that life makes me uncomfortable. Crazy how that worked out. I healed, I found my soul. I found myself. I found others’. I am still discovering SO much. I am a spirit baby. I have so much to learn and grow in this life called before me. But I am not afraid, or have that hunger for life that I could never fulfill.
It is literally filled up. With so much LOVE so much GRACE and best of all JOY. That I do not know how we are supposed to put into words It’s so overfilling and the most underrated thing we as beings should be so thankful for.
I found my soul. I decided to be thankful for my scars and to share them. Most of all I found him. Jesus is my Lord and Savior and I gave my life to him on September 13th 2020.
This is my narrative … 🖤